I AM ‘BRAD PITT’ (OR TOM CRUISE OR..)

I saw her in the daily morning train, while commuting from Shah Alam to downtown KL. She waits for the  routine 7.45 am train and from Shah Alam , she  will stop at KL Sentral. From there , I ‘ll take the subway to the city centre and she will just walk out from the grand station. I’m guessing that she take the monorail at Brickfield or she’s working somewhere nearby.

I don’t know why but she got my attention. Maybe it’s just a normal hormone reaction when she unleashed her pheromone and forced my testorons to meet her estrogen . Maybe the way she looks that activate my flirting-randy button or maybe because I have this primitive male instinct to perform the oblivion duty in ensuring the births of the next generation of Homo sapiens in the future.

She’s  in her mid 20’s . Maybe 26 or 24 or perhaps younger. .like any other millennium Malaysian Malay girl ( Malay-neum?), she also got some ‘blonde’ or ‘highlight’ to go with her long hair but at least she ‘s not using that Skin Whitening Product or ‘Clorox’ on her face so her original Malay skin is still preserved. It’s between dark and tan. I rather call her skin as ‘Wet-Exotic’ She is the ‘Bamboo Girl’ type and the kind of jungle girl- in -tiger skin- bikini that you wish you’ll meet if you lost in the jungle. A truly exotic Asian Beauty .So tempting just to imagine.

Anyway, sometimes she wears blouse with pants and sometimes with this sexy black executive suits ( Always a  turn-on for me to see girls in the suits).Honestly speaking, from my  pervert perspective ,she is ‘delicious’ enough. A ‘dish’ that any guy can’t resist. A ‘butterfly’ that every guy want to catch.

My alter-ego tells me that I need to talk to her one day but im not ready yet. So, to fully equipped myself  with the ‘proper education’ , I seek the advise from the officemate , Ikmal , The flirting guru in the office and  my ‘Master Yoda’ in this. (btw, he is finishing his autobiography ; ‘I am ‘Buaya’ : The Story of A Successful KL Playa’ ). 

“..Symbolically , men are the hunter and  women are the prey. A good hunter always have the right technique and the right skill. You need the right technique to identified your prey and how  to approach them. Then you need the right skill to make the move, to aim and shoot. Our words is the bullets. Be careful with it. Our prey is an intelligent and complicated creature. If you shoot too hard, the ladies will think you are too pushy and you will be a hostile threat to them . If you shoot to slow ,they will think that you are not serious  enough or worst, they will think that you are a sissy. What I mean is, you have to know what to say and talk to her and at the same time try to  dig up some details , especially her contact number…”

But, what if she wont to give her contact number?

“…If it doesn’t work, you have to be ‘The Fisherman’ and use the ‘Bait’ technique. The best bait nowadays is your Cell phone number. Give your number to her but never ask her number. It’s rude to ask from the ladies anyway. It something got to do with their privacy issue . But you need the most important ‘weapon’ of all ; PATIENCE , because the  greatest challenge here is, she might wont call you today, tomorrow or even in few months. Just don’t give up. You can either keep on thinking about her or you can just give your number to at least 10 other ladies. Look at the bright side, out of 10 , there’s a possibility of 1 will call you or 2-3 ,if you got lucky. Imagine the result if you give your number to 20-30 ladies. This is what all the successful Romeos and Casanovas in the world did. ..”

OK. You make it sounds so simple. I guess it’ll only works for good-looking and gorgeous guys.

“..Not exactly. To have good looks is a bonus but without the skill to talk to the ladies, you’ll get zero. It’s like you have a high tech hunting rifle with laser target pointer but it is useless if you don’t have the skill to shoot. You just wasted out the bullets… Dude, all you need is some motivation. Just imagine that you are like Brad Pitt , the most handsome and hottest guy in the world and that girl is actually crazy for you. Always put this in your head before you make your move and talk to her. Seriously, if your mind think you are Brad Pitt, you always be a Brad Pitt, and you can have all the girls in the world, doesn’t matter how butt-ugly you are…You can do it , you can SCORE , bro!!…”

Ok,.. now I have to be a Brad Pitt? That’s not so simple, but with some imagination, perhaps it will helps and I can talk to her.(I guess,,,).To make it easier , I rather rephrase the Men=hunter thing to the Men = salesmen and the Women = the prospect customer. The Men , just like any conventional salesperson do ,  will try to persuade the customer with promises, hopes and off course , some lies about the ‘after-sales’.

So, there she was, standing next to the door. Getting closer and closer to me as she was being pushed by other commuters in that cramped coach. For this , I would like to thank the KTM Komuter service for  the insufficient seats even though I always got some issues with their ‘reliability-punctuality’ things.

That’s the only chance I have. With the ‘ Now or Never’ attitude, I moved 1 step closer to her while my mouth can’t stop chanting  “I am Brad Pitt! , I am Brad Pitt! “,hundreds time for self-motivation. My mouth was dry , my face was numb and my heart beats faster than the train, pondering all the adrenalin to my brain. My legs shakes as like I am going to the board room for Internal Enquiry. It’s the scariest moment. I never being so nervous in my whole entire life. I think it’s the effect of A.B.S : All Boys Syndrome. (NOTE: Those who have this syndrome will show the above symptoms when encounter any situation with the opposite sex:-  GIRLS. The majority of the patients are those who spent their time in ALL BOYS schools. I can’t believe it. It’s already been like 10 years since I left the school but Im still suffering with this syndrome )

OK,. Here we go. A simple Hi wont hurt her, so I started the ice breaking ceremony with a smile but I nearly miss as my voice stuck in the throat. She replied with a nice smile and with a gestures that she’s ready for a conversation. Everything seems to be fine at first , when I started asking her about her job and found out that she’s working in a well-known ‘IT Company’ at Plaza Sentral. That explained about her morning travel routine. Then, after that it was a tragic disaster . I don’t know why but I just lost my words and everything got so blurry  for few seconds. It was  the hardest part; the continuity of the conversation. I was working on my brain so hard to figure out what to say next when suddenly my mentor , Ikmal , appeared in Yoda –stellar floating position ,with some clouds.

“.My dear protégé …With questions, it will continue but  about herself, to praise you must … The question leads to answer and answer leads to wonders.. The hunting begin, has,, .. May the force be with you “and POOF! he disappeared.

Desperately , I knew I need to save this conversation  but at the same time  I must not let her know that. Need to look cool but  need to act fast. So, like the guru said, just a word of praise and you’ll hit the next level. In panic, i noticed her long hair which I really like, so I gave it a shot.

“ What shampoo did you use?”

( OK. That’s the point where I screwed up. Actually the best word is ,”..I like your hair,..it’s long ,beautiful and pretty and bla bla..”….or any other flattery words that can impress her. I already had that in mind but the panicking moment really messed up my neuron system and disturbed the instruction from the brain to the mouth.)

In confused , she replied .”.. Well, Pantene…but sometimes I used Sunsilk, occasionally. ..Why?..”

Her sudden backfire – question strikes me and I hopelessly answered “ ..Nothing ..Just asking..” .

( It was totally a stupid answer. I supposed to say “ That’s why your hair is pretty, because you use that shampoo..” or anything impressive to her.)

My answer killed the whole conversation. She stands in her silence after that and things get really ‘uncomfortable’ .I got this odd feeling every single minutes in the train, standing next to her. I realized that I screwed up the ‘Hunting Season’ and I need to work on the last resort, plan B,  ‘The Fishing Game’. So, I wrote down my name and number , and as soon as the door opened at KL Sentral, I gave my number to her and with a glimpse, I said “My number..just in case…”. Then I rushed to the escalator up, left her behind and never have the guts to look back at her again. And that was the last time I saw her,

So, it’s been like almost 3 months now and not a single sms or call from her ever since. I even didn’t see her in the train anymore. Maybe she got a new  job and moved to other city. Or maybe she got married and she’s a fulltime housewife now. Obviously , it shows that  im a lousy ‘hunter’, a worst ‘salesman’ and a bad luck ‘fisherman’. I am just another loser in a try-out . Despite all that, one thing for sure is , being a Brad Pitt really boosted out my confidence to flirt that day. If I didn’t put Brad inside  my brain, I wont have the guts even to say hi to any chicks. It works and it proves that how powerful our mind can influence our personality and actions. We can be anyone in anytime at anywhere.

Just In this case, maybe she’s not crazy for Brad Pitt anyway. Maybe she love Tom Cruise or Ben Affleck or that guy in LOTR , who play as Legolas or Legoland or whatever his name is. And that  pickup line? “..What Shampoo did you use..?” so lame that I wont forgive myself saying that but it does make a nice tagline in a TV commercial anyway. I think I should send some emails to Krakatoa ,  Ogilvy & Mathers or Spencer Azizul bout that. Who knows , It might works for a shampoo ads after all .

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3 Responses to “I AM ‘BRAD PITT’ (OR TOM CRUISE OR..)”

  1. Make it short dude! Be gentle,go on and approach her! Show ur true color that will help i guess! Honesty will charm her! If u go for hundred miles just to get her attention, but if u are not sincere enuff, i bet u’ll regret! Don’t be a hunter, afraid u r the one who’ll get hurts one day!

  2. hi k-e
    damn i got the answer y u never return my mail.
    thanks to bloody person who created this blog stuff, huh!

  3. poor poor you..
    guess you should take up more of the “buaya” lesson huh..
    haha
    seriously,juz be honest man..
    you character will show through..
    and you know you have a nice character…
    btw,i thought you drive your proton to work?how come take ktm pulak…

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